Ramadan experience - Part II

The first days of fasting period were a bit harsh: I didn’t really know what to expect and I was lacking preparation. To be fair, I didn’t plan actually to start fasting on Thursday 24 (day of the Ascension), but…I was having a walk in a park and I suddenly decided it would be my first day of fasting. Of course, I didn’t have a proper breakfast considering I’d eat more at lunch, and of course it was hot. However, in spite of starving all day long, I found kind of nice to spend the afternoon reading about religion; and I found amusing to pray at fixed times. Unfortunately, I did a huge mistake in the evening: I ate too much and slept poorly; I don’t even know if I managed to get one hour of sleep that night, as I had to get up early for breakfast.

The second day of fasting was by far the worst of all: because of tiredness, I spent the whole day fighting against a migraine which I could only get rid off by taking some medicine in the evening. For breakfast I had eaten quite a lot, in order to set a good example for next days and force my body not to ask for too much food at dinner. As a consequence, I felt dizzy when I left for my morning walk; the great air did me good though and when I came back I felt much better. I carried on reading, but not so avidly as the day before because I had an appointment outside (again it was so hot…). When I went back home I happily discovered in my mail box the translation of the Qur’an I was waiting for. Too tired to open it right now, I promised myself I would start reading it the next day, from 7 am sharp. On the second day of fasting, I missed zuhur (I was at my appointment), and completely forgot asr and maghrib; so I decided to set alarms on my phone not to forget them on the next days.

On the third day, things started to get better: I hadn’t made a full night but I felt refreshed, though tired; the migraine had gone for good and thanks to clouds in the morning, the air was chilly. I started devouring the Qur’an, reading first the numerous (and excellent) historical and theological explanations contained in the present edition, then reading the sûra in chronological order. I raise your attention on the fact I didn’t start reading the sûra in their order of appearance in the Book; at that time it appeared as a logical way to proceed in order to spot the evolution of the Revelation with time and as a smart approach as I truly think that in order to better understand scriptures, you have to put things back into their context first. In addition, by reading the sûra in chronological order, I avoided going back and forth in time and getting confused with the events. Usually, the sûra revealed in Mecca (before Hegira) are short, and so are their verses; they’re logically to be found at the end of the Book (the sûra are sorted by decreasing lengths, except from the first one, Al-fatiha, the Opening). I really liked this reading and on the fourth day, I spent several hours doing that. On the contrary I disliked having to pray at fixed hours: the alarm rang for zuhur whereas I was reading the Qur’an; for asr, I didn’t manage to join the prayer with my heart (I simply didn’t feel the need to pray at that time); for maghrib, I was setting the table and got surprised but this time, prayer went more easily.

So I would say that the first four days left me with mixed feelings. Giving up food was not really a problem, as I sometimes skip lunch when I’m on meeting or when I’m in a writing process. I still got some concerns about how well I would respond to tiredness, but after a few rocky nights I wasn’t dead, I was even feeling quite good. However I really disliked the praying at fixed times, which reminded me my retreat in Buddhist monastery when I felt kind of suffocating in front of all the rituals, before I finally found my feet. An inside voice was telling me to persevere, but I felt spiritually frustrated, and every night I wondered why I decided to engage into fasting this year inasmuch as there was no real difference with the hours I usually spend every day reading or writing on religious matters. A part of me wanted to give up and be free from this insane schedule, and I doubted that retreating from the world for one whole month to do “just reading and praying” could be fulfilling for anyone. My reaction was echoing my greatest fear in life: becoming enslaved to my agenda, being unable to pray whenever I desire or feel the need to, bridle my spirituality and confine it in-between the limits of a dogma or a rite.

Then I realized that I was maybe too severe when approaching the situation: on one hand I was setting the bar too high, and one the other hand I was lacking flexibility. I had given up all my regular activities to sit most of the day and read; surely it was enriching but at the end of the day, I wasn’t feeling closer to God, nor did I have the impression that my day had been of any use to anyone. I rushed through a basic and unappealing dinner, which I considered as a necessity more than a celebration, whereas I usually love cooking as much as eating. I absolutely wanted to keep away from heat and tiredness, so I stayed inside my apartment… but I live on my own so I didn’t even have the joy of sharing dinner with my family or friends. So on the fifth day, I started by reading the Qur’an for a while, but then I did the washing, the cleaning, the ironing, I cooked for several hours and I even got some time to visit a friend. Believe me, from this day on, I felt much better, at peace and less frustrated. I was less bothered by the prayer schedule. And I started to enjoy the experience, wishing it tocontinue.